.101 begun

currently listening to

you

there's still so much that i want to say
which is why i feel i should stop
here


there have undoubtedly been
what many might term
ups
and
downs
though it'll be interesting when it's all over
if i'll still label them all that way.

and of course i still have my questions
indeed, hopefully, i have even more
although atthesametime,
i think i'm less bothered about the answers these days.

like the nonsense poetry of milne, lear, monkton
("why does a chicken? i don't know why")
that so fascinates me
with its beauty, its creativity, its transcendance
i'm much more content in the moment.

which demands patience, stillness
not being so anxious
about when i'm getting there
or what it'll be like
in fact i'm not keen at all to finish
i'm not even so keen to win
but, to coin the old cliché,
it's the taking part that counts.
i have fulfillment
in the pushing of Sisyphus' rock.

kind of like how
i reckon it must be very easy
for a couple to sleep
together
in the moment
hot red flush comes down
all too soon
but,
i imagine it is far more difficult
to stand facing each other
naked
for a time
vulnerable
passing minutes
and see first
who you are being with.

and for once i've decided
(spot the irony)
that the mind is weak
- weakened -
without feeling
for you could destroy my arguments
but what captures my heart
is far more difficult to remove.

and so actually
this stone cold wellspring of mine
is rather important.

and i will keep trying
(oh, i will keep trying)
to embrace this overwhelming force of light
that forces not,
never
though i am still compelled
that i can do no other
like the unparalleled power
of submission
of humility
of power seeking a powerless position
of a nervous child, smiling softly
this relentless love that comes true on its promise
of joy through its healing
that apparently will just not take no for an answer
like the annoying geek
who had a crush on you in high school
who just would not give up.

and the love fixed,
and it made up for,
me with my dysfunctionality
and instead didn't start again
but reimagined and recreated new potential
with all the muddy clay that was left
like bach, writing the 5th suite
for the cello with the scordatura.

and for any
who live to hate
the very materials which made the weapons that you are using against me
were created by my God.


and so,
in the words of a dear friend,
here's to you.
here's to you,
my unresolved agitations,
my fragile hopes,
my stubborn unshakable fears,
my inflated ego,
my deepest desires
(some of them petulant,
some of them hopefully a bit more genuine), 
my struggle with value,
my unbelief in grace,

do with these what you will.


i cannot but say yes,
a resolute yes,
an unbelievably resounding yes,
a fulfilling and affirming and inclusive yes,
a delicate and understanding
yes to all,
as i believe you do.


i'll keep on.
together.



=)