.33 awkwidity

currently listening to:
dare you to move, switchfoot

there was this particular occasion
(one of those occasions that are recounted
to any new friend from thenceforth)
that neither of us will probably ever forget,
or at least,
we hope not to.


considering that it wasn't one of my proudest moments
nor influential
nor significant
this is maybe a tad perculiar.
it was embarrassing, i'm not gonna lie -
but yet neither is that the reason for why it'll stick in minds near and far for the foreboding future.


it's more to do with the
awkidity
of the situation.


====


end of first semester.
we were all going our parting ways
amidst the snow
and the cold
and christmas carols.
i was approaching her room
(a purely platonic relationship you understand,
before you get any ideas).
is he gonna hug me?
she had been thinking for days.
will she freak out if i hug her?
likewise for myself.
amusing, barely.
trivial, certainly.

and so the bizarre confrontation arrives.
the words have been said, finished, done.
time to exit out the door.
subconsciously,
she has gradually been gravitating towards the opposite wall.
a jerk,
a twitch forward, then back,
the slightest arm movement as if to indicate
a question, answer, hesitating in mid-air.

i feel such a fool.

and then there it happens,
step,
embrace,
part,
followed by a rather rapid escape as each
attempts to conceal the bemused grin
emanating from deep within the shrouded guarded exteriors.

let's not be coy about this.

it was funny,
it was hella funny,
we even exchanged texts moments later to release the laughter.

but yeah,
wow,

awkward.


====


and yet what does that mean?
awkward,
awkwardness
awkwidity.

the word even looks awkward.

i would say disconcerting,
uncomforting,
freakish,
almost as if to disturb one's mind
and make them want to avert their eyes.
though i think its ambiguity of meaning
is surely part of its job,
to fulfil its awkwidity.


and yet,
call me awkward,
but i almost believe
that in isolation,
in that moment,
that space tinged with misunderstanding,
terrifying uncertainty
and suppressed amusement,
awkwidity is beautiful.

like an unsettling dis-chord
betwixt normality
and noreality
the grasp of comprehension
we base our behavior upon
briefly alludes us
and therein lies beauty,
magical beauty.

it's the tension
between
what we know
and what we only thought we knew
(and suddenly being enlightened as to the difference),
it's the tension between
the secret and the truth
the implication and the realization
the question and the song.

within the tension
lies the beauty.

on one side,
who you are,
on the other side,
who you could be.

or how it is
and how it should be.

with awkwidity sandwiched inbetween.


and personally,
i revel in it.