currently listening to
cookie jar,
gyms heroes
i did it again just now.
an overwhelming pang of Guilt, again.
argh!
why is it so hard?
why can't i be stronger?
i've done it before.
but it never lasts.
a magazine, an advert, a computer.
quick, now, whilst no-ones looking.
even some words you read or hear.
anything can throw you,
get your mind racing.
afterall, the leash is weak.
don't worry, there's always grace
...says that little voice in your head, again.
the next morning, the Shame remains.
like an ugly stain. gruesome, filthy, permanent pain.
ouch.
can't even bear a 'hello'. your happy disguise.
you pharisee! you judas!
you might even see the girl. she's out there somewhere.
more, pain.
satan has his grip.
tempts you with self-pity.
then, before you know it,
you're right back where you started.
argh!
again.
disbelief in your lack of self-control.
my naked shame
uttering that same, recurring prayer.
those three words.
i'm sorry, God.
again.
written october 1st 2007
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI love you for who you are and you aren't perfect. I hope you can let go, and be alright with your mistakes and actions.
B
hey andy,
ReplyDeletegot here from fahad's.
I have no smart solutions that we dont already ourselves know. On the bright side, may I also say that we are on our way there, in the shady trail of self-knowledge?
Sometimes i just hate it that its replay, replay, replay. And replay. But what to do? Try better. ?
'the next morning, the Shame remains.
like an ugly stain. gruesome, filthy, permanent pain.
ouch'
I like this line. I like the force of the string of irksome adjectives and last alliteration. and then the quiet pause of ouch. Ok, definitely gushing here.
keep going! :)
yan